I Hate Diabetes

I hate diabetes.

Seriously.  If you don't have it, don't get it. If you are "borderline" or it runs in your family, do whatever you can to reverse it.  I could have prevented this by eating right, exercising, etc. years ago, and this is the cross I must bear.

My sugars were normal yesterday.  I even exercised with church folks last night. I woke at 1 am, chilling, so I took it to be sure. It was 139- a little high, but still fairly normal for having had supper late last night.  This morning it was SKY HIGH- and all I did at 1 am was go back to bed!

Stress sets in, which could make it worse.  If it's this high on Monday morning, they won't do the surgery.

I hate diabetes.

This morning, as I nibble some dry wheat toast and eat cottage cheese slowly with my baby spoon (to practice for post-op meals), I have to turn this over to God.  I will walk to work this morning.  I will avoid any hidden sugars between now and Monday. I will take my blood sugars before meals, and call my endocrinologist this morning to ask for advice.  

In other words, I will do MY part.  

The rest I turn over to God.

Day ???: Who's Counting Anyway?

"Do the breathing exercise 10 times, four times a day for two weeks before surgery..."

"Stop taking your baby aspirin for a week before surgery..."

"In fact, nothing with aspirin at all for a week..."

"Wash with this antibacterial soap the night before and the morning of..."  (Wait!  I have to leave the house by 3:45 a.m. AND take a shower??)

"Mom, what time am I being picked up on Thursday?  I have to let them know when they can check my room..."

"The day before surgery, take **units of your insulin with breakfast, **-** at lunch and 0-2 at dinner.  The morning of (Again- WHAT Morning??) check your blood sugar and if it is over ***, take ** units."

Is it any wonder my head is swimming with numbers?

I predict it may be even worse tomorrow after my day-long class to prepare for this!  It's why I write EVERYTHING down.

Here's the numbers I am clinging to:
7 days until surgery.  Almost exactly 7 days from writing this, I will be in the operating room.  Jim will be stuck in a waiting room, hoping that the television is not turned to FOX-TV.

1 husband who is determined to be the best cheerleader I could hope to have, who has rearranged things for his students so that he can attend the training with me tomorrow, who has supported me every step of the way and will continue to do so--at least until our 50 year contract comes up for renewal! 

Also 1 mom who is reading this blog faithfully because she wishes she could be here to take care of me. Momma, you have taken care of me so often over the last 55 years.  God's got my back this time!

2 amazing children who show their love for me through their love for each other and their love for God.  Or maybe I have that backwards.  Either way, I am blessed beyond blessed!

Countless numbers of friends and church members who have offered to help and support.  Countless family members who have me in their prayers already.  Countless blessings that surround me daily.

Lastly, there is One who is my rock and my fortress... the Savior of the world who welcomes ALL who come in faith-- even one such as me.  It's all good.

Day Ten or T Minus Eleven

The call came yesterday just before noon. I have a surgery date on May 4th.  This afternoon I received verification that they were able to get me into next Tuesday's pre-op Nutrition Class.  All of a sudden, things are very real.

I would be less-than-honest if I didn't admit to some moments of feeling a little scared.  The fact that I have to take a copy of my living will with me is a reminder that "no surgery is 'routine' when it's YOU."  And this is no "routine surgery" to begin with.

But I trust that my surgeon knows what he is doing.  He has performed this surgery on several people I know personally.  One of those women was so "high risk" that she doesn't even remember attending support group meetings prior to surgery!  I trust that all those tests they did last week were for a very good reason, and if there had been concerns, I wouldn't be having it done this quickly.  I also trust that, without the surgery, I would have very few quality years left to live.

Most of all, I trust my God.

I am writing a "What If" book-- filled with letters to my children, my mom, my husband, my church family.  There are last little things I would want them to remember.  I've written some thoughts about what kind of "party" I would want to remember me... "if"...  And there are some funny pages in the book, as you might well expect.

The next eleven days are going to fly by.  I have to go pack up our daughter's things from college because my surgery is the same week as her finals.  I am trying to clean out the cupboards and make sure there are foods that Jim can fix for himself and Cheyanne in case cooking makes me nauseous. I am trying to get worship services done in advance, and powerpoints done for Mothers' Day and Graduation Sunday.  I am reading everything I can read to prepare and answer all those last minute questions.  

Note to self:  Make time to pray.

Day 9: Bloom Where You are Planted

Spring is unfolding all around me. There are hundreds of shades of green in the trees and grasses.  The redbud trees pepper the landscape like pink peppercorns in an iron chef's kitchen!  Daffodils crop up in unlikely places, and there are rumors of wild mushrooms being seen in the woods.

I traveled several hours yesterday, to make a prison visit with one of my parishioners.  She is a woman of great faith, and the man we were going to see is "freer" behind bars than many of us are on the "outside".  He had a true conversion experience sixteen years ago, laying on the cold floor of a holding cell.  The church member I was with is the one who wouldn't give up on him, and his life has been transformed.

Not only that--- but he has witnessed to hundreds of inmates over the years and brought them to Christ.  He has bloomed where he was planted... even in the dark and sinister prison world!

Blooming takes time-- God's time.  God's plan.  God's way.  Yes, we do our part by asking: "What do you require of me today, Lord?  How may I serve you to the glory of your name?"  And then sometimes we must wait... and wait... and wait.

I'm in a waiting pattern this week.  I attended my bariatric support group meeting Monday night and met a young woman who has a surgery date for early June.  She has the same doctor that I do.  So, now I must wrap my head around the truth that it may be JUNE before I have the procedure done.  My first, very human reaction was to feel resentment.  My second, take-a-breath response is... Okay, Lord.  There is a reason for my wait. Show me what it is.  Prepare me as you will.

In all fairness, I am still praying that I will find out SOMETHING in the next few days.  I've been putting things on hold for a long time, and I need to know whether I am going to be able to attend the Annual Conference Gathering of the Indiana-Kentucky Conference.  Will I be in church on Graduation Recognition Sunday?  Do I get a vacation this summer, or is surgery going to be "it"?

I have to trust that God is preparing me to bloom where I am planted.

Day 5:More "Bucket List" Goals

This morning, I accompanied the high school choirs at large-group contest.  The school we compete at is a pretty large one, though it is not nearly as big as some of the Indianapolis schools!  The point is, I always arrive a bit out of breath as I follow the choir to the warm up room, through a locker room and down several hallways, up a few steps, down a ramp...  I have learned to leave a little before the choir to reach our destinations so that I can walk at my own pace.  After all these years, I at least know the way so I won't get lost.

Today I realized that, next year, I will hopefully not be out of breath!  I may be able to go up and down the same steps on the stage as the choir without worrying how much longer I am taking!  And I wondered:  Will the other directors wonder where Kelly found that new accompanist?  ;-)

Bucket List Goal#2:
A year from now, I want the audience to think I am a new accompanist.

Bucket List Goal #3: 
Theater!  I want to be able to try out for whatever part I want and not worry that I am too fat for the role.  Too old, maybe-- Wrong voice part? Definitely a worry.  But not my size.  Never again.

Day Four: Taking Time to Learn

Patience is not a virtue that I can lay claim to.  It would be all too easy for me to find excuses to wait by the phone for Dr. E's office to call with a date for my surgery.  Waiting makes me grouchy.  I need to fill my time with something-- so I have been watching video clips from the St. Vincent website- www.mybrandnewlife.org

Yesterday, the most interesting one was a clip teaching about the importance of planning for any situation.  The woman showed an example of an emergency lunch kit that she keeps in her car for emergencies.  For example, she often has to attend business lunches that offer no choices that are appropriate for her.  Not a problem!  She can pull out a few things from her kit.  

Her kit is filled with appropriate non-perishable items:

• Pull-top can of tuna (I know that there are even easier and tastier versions of this available now- Little pouches of lemon-pepper, terriyaki, sweet and sour or ranch flavored tuna!)
• Rice thins- offer a crunchy addition.  These are available from the bariatric store.
• Chicken flavored "unjury"- a protein power to mix with warm water on cold days.
• Protein bar- to eat while your co-workers enjoy a dessert that would not be good for the post-surgery patient.
• Organic, unsalted, raw almonds- limiting nuts is a good idea, but 8 or so is a good amount.

I think this is a really great idea, and I plan to put an emergency stash at the church for those mornings when the Elders' Breakfast has donuts or the funeral meal offers nothing that is appropriate for me to eat.  By preparing ahead, I can avoid temptations.

Day Two: Cleared for Take Off

It's official... I have been cleared for take off, and though I do not yet know my "travel date", I know the destination!  Life!  Life without insulin!  Life without panting and puffing after taking a few steps.  Life with new hopes and dreams.  Fewer food choices, yes (thank God!), but far more choices of activities and opportunities.

After comparing my "abnormal" ekg to one done just a few months ago, it was confirmed that, for me, abnormal is... well, NORMAL!  (Some of my closest friends could have confirmed that for them!)  My file has been sent to the office of whoever schedules my doctor's surgeries and I must wait for my next instructions.

Impatient as I am, it is my hope to fill this time with preparations and expectations and lots of jubilation.  After all, I can't control any of this, so I may as well accept it.  Oh, yes, and I am starting my "bucket list".

Goal #1:  WHEN I reach my goal, I plan to go zip-lining.  That one surprised my husband, but then, he's never known me at a weight that is "zip-lineable".  He says he looks forward to us doing it together.  Can you imagine the look on our children's faces when I tell them this one?!  

Day One of the Rest of My Life

My day began at 4:15 a.m.  This morning, I woke and drove to St. V's hospital for my pre-op testing.  The end goal for me is Roux-en-y Gastric bypass surgery... The end goal is LIFE!  Weighing over 300 pounds has taken a real toll on my body, and it has come to the point where, if I don't DO something, the quality of my life is going to be non-existent.

I was not sure what to expect this morning, so I am writing this first entry to outline the kind of tests I underwent, with the hopes that others might be better prepared than I was.  I should preface this all by saying that it was not nearly as "bad" as I was led to believe!

1.  Cardio-pulmonary tests:  In the cardio-pulmonary office, I had an ekg, and two breathing tests.  In the first one, I had to breath several times, then take as deep a breath as I could. Then, I was instructed to blow it out as forcefully as I could, and when I thought I had pushed all the air out, I had to keep blowing for several seconds.  Okay-- I used to be a voice teacher.  I know this one!  I used that diaphragm and aced it.  The second breathing test was done with a little plastic thing that I brought home with me.  I have to exercise with it 4 times a day until the surgery, and it will help me keep from getting pneumonia after surgery. (Side note- my evil cat is not sure what he thinks of this exercise, and he is giving consideration to either biting IT or me while I use it!)

2.  Lab work- Typical blood and urine tests.  I think she must have taken about 8 vials of my blood!  Thankfully, I have a good vein that never lets me down.  :-)  And thankfully, I had not gone to the bathroom yet--usually my first stop when I get there, but I waited just "in case".

3. Digital Imaging-  I had a chest x-ray (painless), and then an ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gall bladder.  That was probably the worst of the tests, but the man doing them was absolutely delightful and an expert at getting my mind off of how hard he was having to push with the device.  He also teased me for having my gown on backwards.  "We aren't doing a mammogram today!"  (note: It should open in BACK, not the front, though how you are supposed to tie it that way is beyond me.  I suggest that you tie it in front, and then turn the darned thing around.)

4.  Then came the upper GI.  (This was still in the Digital Imaging Suite, but it deserves its own entry because it was the most interesting of the tests.) First, I was given a cup of little crystal things and a cup of water.  I was told to put the crystals in my mouth and swallow with the waters.  They FIZZED like alka-selter, and I wasn't supposed to belch. (I tried not to, but a few little ones bubbled out.)  This was followed by the barium, which was thick and pasty.  There was no real taste to it. If it had been flavored like a milkshake, I might have really liked it! They took several x-rays standing up, and then the table rolled backwards.  I was not quite on my head, but I realize why people explained it that way.  And the rolling was not done by the table, as I expected, but I had to roll around so the barium coated my stomach.  More photos were taken.  I had to drink some other substance so that they could take pictures of me swallowing it down.  All in all- not nearly as bad as I was led to believe!!

5.  At this point, I went to another part of the hospital where I met with a nurse and a nurse practitioner to go over my test results and health history.  I was given instructions for the days leading up to the surgery, as well as the day OF surgery.  I was told to back off of bananas and yogurt because my potassium is high.  They are now waiting for a copy of an old ekg to compare the new one to.  If it's the same, I will be approved.  If not, I may have to see a cardiologist first. At any rate, they estimate we are still 4-6 weeks from a surgery date!

4-6 WEEKS?  <deep sigh of frustration>    

So, I am praying for the patience to accept that it is all in God's timing.  I pray to accept that it's all part of the bigger plan for better health.  It's a journey that has already been filled with many stepping stones... each one has a purpose.

Let the waiting continue...!