Jumping into LIFE

It has been more than three months since I posted a blog.  There's a very good reason for that:  I have been LIVING!  More than just "stepping stones", I have some MILEstones to shout about:

• As of this morning, I have lost 82 pounds in just over 4 months!
• My insulin has been more than cut in half since post-surgery- and is 75% less than prior to surgery!
• I am off of almost all meds for hypertension, and at least for now am off of all cholesterol meds, pending blood work.
• My wardrobe would consist of baggy pants and over-sized shirts if it were not for a friend who had the surgery a year ago, and has donated some clothes to me!  I don't want to do any "major" clothes shopping yet.

Other milestones:

• I performed as "Jack's Mother" in "Into the Woods" this summer, which showed me what I am again capable of doing onstage.  While the steps and ramps were not comfortable yet for me to traverse, I DID dance, run across stage screaming about dead giants and stand backstage for 5-10 minutes at a time waiting for my entrances.
• Just this morning I bleached the tub, swept and steam-mopped the kitchen and a bathroom, changed the litter box and vacuumed the dining and living rooms.  THEN I took a short rest to write this.  4 months ago, I could do these things ONLY if I rested every 3-5 minutes to get my breath and let my back stop spasming.
• Oh, and I helped Jim lug things for Goodwill out to my car!!  We had planned to give up "junk" for Lent by clearing out a bag of trash or junk every day.  I wasn't physically able to do it then.  We are doing it now.

Challenges... Yes, there have been some.  I don't seem to tolerate calcium in pill form.  I've had some weeks where I had trouble keeping food down, and I think I've pinpointed it to the calcium.  I'm sick of protein drinks, and grateful that I can eat protein bars now.  I have developed a protein drink with cold decaf coffee, milk and vanilla protein powder that reminds me of an iced latte from Starbucks.  

Do I miss certain foods?  Not particularly.  I think I will be attempting the recipes for pizza crust using cauliflower or chicken because I do like pizza.  But food doesn't hold the power over me anymore that it once did.  I am totally convinced that refined sugar has addictive qualities that are very harmful.  And sugar is in everything!  (Did you know that they add sugar to canned corn?  Why?)  

Well, back to life-- I have some more vacuuming to do!  Life is good.  God is great!

Steps Forward and Back

First, the good news:

I have lost close to 35 pounds since having bariatric surgery on May 4th.  I am checking my blood sugars several times daily.  I am forcing myself to walk, even if I don't want to.  With the exception of adding a couple of bites of watermelon to my meal last night, I am following the meal plan according to specifications.  I am drinking lots of fluids and taking all my vitamins "religiously".

Prior to surgery, I did well to check my blood sugar once a week.  I NEVER exercised because the knees and back screamed at me when I did.  I ate all the time, never drank water and often forgot the vitamins.

Now the "bad" news:

If I take the pain killers that give me energy and alleviate the pain from twisting a knee last week, I experience anxiety attacks in public.  (Me, the extravert, the confident and self-assured person... finding it hard to breathe in a store because of the crowd!)

My blood sugars keep going up, even as I increase the amount of insulin.  This morning it was 250!!  I am trying to remind myself that I am doing MY part.  I see my endocrinologist on Monday and she will either deal with this or I will find a new one.  I am doing all those things posted above.  It is THEIR duty to figure out what meds are going to work.

And yet, my stress continues to grow.  The main reason I took this HUGE life-changing step was to lose the weight so I can get this diabetes under control.  And stress will make the numbers go up.  It's a vicious cycle.  I HATE  DIABETES!

I am going to turn this over to God to control because, obviously, I can't control it.  The Serenity Prayer comes to mind.  Think I will go into the sanctuary, practice the sermon and say that prayer a few more times.  Thanks for listening!

"Already Disturbed.Proceed With Caution"

On sermon-writing days, my husband and I close the doors of the office, and post signs that say "Sermon in Progress".  The implication is that we are focused on our sermon-- and for those who aren't sure what this entails, we try to include that aspect of listening for the Holy Spirit's guidance.  Obviously, if there is an emergency or someone is in the midst of a crisis, that always takes precedence over writing the sermon, but otherwise, we would like to be able to write without interruption.

One week, after numerous interruptions for non-emergency situations, I posted the following Maxine picture on the door: (It at least made me laugh!) 

Two and a half weeks after my surgery, I've been wondering if I need to plaster this on a t-shirt and wear it!  At first, I blamed my lack of a "filter" (on my comments) on the prescription painkillers. But I am still grouchier and more cantankerous than normal even after days of being pill-free.  I've even told one of the church secretaries that if I say anything that offends her to not take it personally.  This woman, who can normally smile and be charming, even if annoyed, struggles right now to keep her mouth shut!

Last night I was telling this to a friend who had the surgery in October.  She reminded me that everything is pretty raw right now-- including my emotions.  She's right.  Everything has changed, and while I may feel like I am doing "great", I have those moments when I simply need a good cry, whether I know why or not.

It explains why I was emotionally and physically exhausted last Sunday after church. And why I am being selective in my "public appearances" right now.  They wear me out on more than one level.

You've been warned, but I hope that won't keep you away.  I really DO appreciate the hugs and the concern and the care.  My friend tells me it WILL get better, and I know it will.  

Milestones and Markers

I am nearly two weeks post-surgery.  It's high time I post an update.  I wrote one last week, but we were without Internet for my first week home. (Don't even ask how this extrovert survived having virtually no contact with the outside world!!)

I have some joys to share:

• This morning, the bathroom scale actually registered a weight instead of yelling "Error" because I weighed more than it could weigh!  If it is accurate, I am down almost 20 pounds already from my pre-surgery weight.  (I need to try the Wii-Fit soon.  Last time, my little character just groaned every time I stepped on the pad and it wouldn't let me exercise.  Talk about bad for the morale!!)
• I can reach places I haven't been able to reach for a long time.  I can scratch my back, tie my shoes and complete other actions that I haven't been able to do for about four years.
• My clothes are looser.  Yesterday I wore a pair of capris that I couldn't wear last summer.
• I am able to get out of chairs more quickly- and the recliner at the homestead (which has always been a little tight) fits just fine.
• I am walking entire city blocks without having my back clench up, my knees scream out and for the most part, I am not gasping for breath.
• I have not had ANY sickness or reactions to foods/milk. I seem to be tolerating things, and of course, I am taking the full 30 minutes to eat my 2 ounces of food at each meal!

Challenges I am still facing:

• I need to call the endocrinologist on Monday-- my blood sugars have crept back up into the zone we want to avoid.  This shouldn't surprise me, because diabetes is not JUST about what you eat.  It is just a matter of finding the dose and frequency that is going to work for me.  Still, I would be less than honest if I didn't say that it discourages me to see those numbers when I am eating according to the plan, getting exercise and following "the plan".
• There is some stress in my life that I could do without, but my brother was taken back to ICU and has been sent back to the nursing home that had evaluated him as "ready to go home".  (He was home only 3 days before winding up back in ICU.)  I am his medical poa, and since I cannot travel yet, and am still on occasional painkillers, and get tired pretty easily... I'm feeling a bit helpless here.
• It's overwhelming to try to figure out how to get in all the protein, all the liquids, all the vitamins.  One of my meds has to be taken a hour before meals or two hours after meals, four times a day.  You can't take iron at the same time as calcium.  Pills can be no bigger than an aspirin, and once you have taken one, you have to wait ten minutes before the next.  Some meds cannot be taken within an hour of dairy products.
• While I am seldom "hungry", I do find a little resentment in not being able to eat the meal I am making for others. Today, I am baking a ham for a family dinner tomorrow. We are meeting our daughter's boyfriend, home from the Navy.  I had planned on grinding some of it up for me... But when I took it out of its packaging, I realized that it is pre-glazed, even before the sugary glaze that comes later. I can't risk it. Sugar could make me VERY sick to my stomach.

I am sure the challenges will pass, the schedule will become second-nature and the results of my hard work will be motivation enough to continue doing what I am doing.  I have a pair of jeans in the top drawer-- I can ALMOST button the snaps.  This is a pair of jeans that were given to me by a friend who had the surgery in October.  I've been waiting and waiting to wear them.  SOON!!

"All My Bags are Packed... I'm on My Way"

"All my bags are packed. I'm on my way..."  ALMOST!

Jim and I are sitting at McDonald's (because Internet hasn't worked at home for the past two days).  My blood sugar, which was over 300 at noon has dropped to 70.  I am trying to coax it higher with apple juice (allowed) so that I can get through the night.  Well, at least until 5:30 a.m. when I check in to the hospital.  If you want to know what I think of diabetes, read my last post.  

My bags are packed.  The dog was sent with our son for a vacation at the homestead.  The cat will be fine with extra food and water put out, and in all honesty, deserves a little "on his own" time.

I will go home from here, drink my chicken broth and have some sugar-free jello.  I have an anti-bacterial soap that I have been instructed to use tonight and again in the morning.  Not that I will really get much of a "morning".  I plan to sleep in the recliner so that I don't have to use the c-pap-- it's already packed.

I have the folders ready with all the papers: a copy of my living will and the papers giving Jim my medical power of attorney if I can't speak for myself.  My fitbit will have a rest as they want no jewelry or valuables at the hospital.  Jim will wear my wedding band.

The church elders asked to have a prayer with me at the close of worship; most of the church came forward if they were physically able.  A very powerful and humbling experience!  "I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God..."

The scripture text this morning was PERFECT for this Sunday as it was all about how God is love; Those who love God abide in God, and God abides in them.  I am really and truly only slightly nervous about tomorrow.  After all, I know Who I abide in and Who abides in me.  Whatever comes, I will be fine for I rest in my Creator's love.

Let the adventure begin!  (Prayers are appreciated!)

I Hate Diabetes

I hate diabetes.

Seriously.  If you don't have it, don't get it. If you are "borderline" or it runs in your family, do whatever you can to reverse it.  I could have prevented this by eating right, exercising, etc. years ago, and this is the cross I must bear.

My sugars were normal yesterday.  I even exercised with church folks last night. I woke at 1 am, chilling, so I took it to be sure. It was 139- a little high, but still fairly normal for having had supper late last night.  This morning it was SKY HIGH- and all I did at 1 am was go back to bed!

Stress sets in, which could make it worse.  If it's this high on Monday morning, they won't do the surgery.

I hate diabetes.

This morning, as I nibble some dry wheat toast and eat cottage cheese slowly with my baby spoon (to practice for post-op meals), I have to turn this over to God.  I will walk to work this morning.  I will avoid any hidden sugars between now and Monday. I will take my blood sugars before meals, and call my endocrinologist this morning to ask for advice.  

In other words, I will do MY part.  

The rest I turn over to God.

Day ???: Who's Counting Anyway?

"Do the breathing exercise 10 times, four times a day for two weeks before surgery..."

"Stop taking your baby aspirin for a week before surgery..."

"In fact, nothing with aspirin at all for a week..."

"Wash with this antibacterial soap the night before and the morning of..."  (Wait!  I have to leave the house by 3:45 a.m. AND take a shower??)

"Mom, what time am I being picked up on Thursday?  I have to let them know when they can check my room..."

"The day before surgery, take **units of your insulin with breakfast, **-** at lunch and 0-2 at dinner.  The morning of (Again- WHAT Morning??) check your blood sugar and if it is over ***, take ** units."

Is it any wonder my head is swimming with numbers?

I predict it may be even worse tomorrow after my day-long class to prepare for this!  It's why I write EVERYTHING down.

Here's the numbers I am clinging to:
7 days until surgery.  Almost exactly 7 days from writing this, I will be in the operating room.  Jim will be stuck in a waiting room, hoping that the television is not turned to FOX-TV.

1 husband who is determined to be the best cheerleader I could hope to have, who has rearranged things for his students so that he can attend the training with me tomorrow, who has supported me every step of the way and will continue to do so--at least until our 50 year contract comes up for renewal! 

Also 1 mom who is reading this blog faithfully because she wishes she could be here to take care of me. Momma, you have taken care of me so often over the last 55 years.  God's got my back this time!

2 amazing children who show their love for me through their love for each other and their love for God.  Or maybe I have that backwards.  Either way, I am blessed beyond blessed!

Countless numbers of friends and church members who have offered to help and support.  Countless family members who have me in their prayers already.  Countless blessings that surround me daily.

Lastly, there is One who is my rock and my fortress... the Savior of the world who welcomes ALL who come in faith-- even one such as me.  It's all good.