Jumping into LIFE

It has been more than three months since I posted a blog.  There's a very good reason for that:  I have been LIVING!  More than just "stepping stones", I have some MILEstones to shout about:

• As of this morning, I have lost 82 pounds in just over 4 months!
• My insulin has been more than cut in half since post-surgery- and is 75% less than prior to surgery!
• I am off of almost all meds for hypertension, and at least for now am off of all cholesterol meds, pending blood work.
• My wardrobe would consist of baggy pants and over-sized shirts if it were not for a friend who had the surgery a year ago, and has donated some clothes to me!  I don't want to do any "major" clothes shopping yet.

Other milestones:

• I performed as "Jack's Mother" in "Into the Woods" this summer, which showed me what I am again capable of doing onstage.  While the steps and ramps were not comfortable yet for me to traverse, I DID dance, run across stage screaming about dead giants and stand backstage for 5-10 minutes at a time waiting for my entrances.
• Just this morning I bleached the tub, swept and steam-mopped the kitchen and a bathroom, changed the litter box and vacuumed the dining and living rooms.  THEN I took a short rest to write this.  4 months ago, I could do these things ONLY if I rested every 3-5 minutes to get my breath and let my back stop spasming.
• Oh, and I helped Jim lug things for Goodwill out to my car!!  We had planned to give up "junk" for Lent by clearing out a bag of trash or junk every day.  I wasn't physically able to do it then.  We are doing it now.

Challenges... Yes, there have been some.  I don't seem to tolerate calcium in pill form.  I've had some weeks where I had trouble keeping food down, and I think I've pinpointed it to the calcium.  I'm sick of protein drinks, and grateful that I can eat protein bars now.  I have developed a protein drink with cold decaf coffee, milk and vanilla protein powder that reminds me of an iced latte from Starbucks.  

Do I miss certain foods?  Not particularly.  I think I will be attempting the recipes for pizza crust using cauliflower or chicken because I do like pizza.  But food doesn't hold the power over me anymore that it once did.  I am totally convinced that refined sugar has addictive qualities that are very harmful.  And sugar is in everything!  (Did you know that they add sugar to canned corn?  Why?)  

Well, back to life-- I have some more vacuuming to do!  Life is good.  God is great!

Steps Forward and Back

First, the good news:

I have lost close to 35 pounds since having bariatric surgery on May 4th.  I am checking my blood sugars several times daily.  I am forcing myself to walk, even if I don't want to.  With the exception of adding a couple of bites of watermelon to my meal last night, I am following the meal plan according to specifications.  I am drinking lots of fluids and taking all my vitamins "religiously".

Prior to surgery, I did well to check my blood sugar once a week.  I NEVER exercised because the knees and back screamed at me when I did.  I ate all the time, never drank water and often forgot the vitamins.

Now the "bad" news:

If I take the pain killers that give me energy and alleviate the pain from twisting a knee last week, I experience anxiety attacks in public.  (Me, the extravert, the confident and self-assured person... finding it hard to breathe in a store because of the crowd!)

My blood sugars keep going up, even as I increase the amount of insulin.  This morning it was 250!!  I am trying to remind myself that I am doing MY part.  I see my endocrinologist on Monday and she will either deal with this or I will find a new one.  I am doing all those things posted above.  It is THEIR duty to figure out what meds are going to work.

And yet, my stress continues to grow.  The main reason I took this HUGE life-changing step was to lose the weight so I can get this diabetes under control.  And stress will make the numbers go up.  It's a vicious cycle.  I HATE  DIABETES!

I am going to turn this over to God to control because, obviously, I can't control it.  The Serenity Prayer comes to mind.  Think I will go into the sanctuary, practice the sermon and say that prayer a few more times.  Thanks for listening!

"Already Disturbed.Proceed With Caution"

On sermon-writing days, my husband and I close the doors of the office, and post signs that say "Sermon in Progress".  The implication is that we are focused on our sermon-- and for those who aren't sure what this entails, we try to include that aspect of listening for the Holy Spirit's guidance.  Obviously, if there is an emergency or someone is in the midst of a crisis, that always takes precedence over writing the sermon, but otherwise, we would like to be able to write without interruption.

One week, after numerous interruptions for non-emergency situations, I posted the following Maxine picture on the door: (It at least made me laugh!) 

Two and a half weeks after my surgery, I've been wondering if I need to plaster this on a t-shirt and wear it!  At first, I blamed my lack of a "filter" (on my comments) on the prescription painkillers. But I am still grouchier and more cantankerous than normal even after days of being pill-free.  I've even told one of the church secretaries that if I say anything that offends her to not take it personally.  This woman, who can normally smile and be charming, even if annoyed, struggles right now to keep her mouth shut!

Last night I was telling this to a friend who had the surgery in October.  She reminded me that everything is pretty raw right now-- including my emotions.  She's right.  Everything has changed, and while I may feel like I am doing "great", I have those moments when I simply need a good cry, whether I know why or not.

It explains why I was emotionally and physically exhausted last Sunday after church. And why I am being selective in my "public appearances" right now.  They wear me out on more than one level.

You've been warned, but I hope that won't keep you away.  I really DO appreciate the hugs and the concern and the care.  My friend tells me it WILL get better, and I know it will.  

Milestones and Markers

I am nearly two weeks post-surgery.  It's high time I post an update.  I wrote one last week, but we were without Internet for my first week home. (Don't even ask how this extrovert survived having virtually no contact with the outside world!!)

I have some joys to share:

• This morning, the bathroom scale actually registered a weight instead of yelling "Error" because I weighed more than it could weigh!  If it is accurate, I am down almost 20 pounds already from my pre-surgery weight.  (I need to try the Wii-Fit soon.  Last time, my little character just groaned every time I stepped on the pad and it wouldn't let me exercise.  Talk about bad for the morale!!)
• I can reach places I haven't been able to reach for a long time.  I can scratch my back, tie my shoes and complete other actions that I haven't been able to do for about four years.
• My clothes are looser.  Yesterday I wore a pair of capris that I couldn't wear last summer.
• I am able to get out of chairs more quickly- and the recliner at the homestead (which has always been a little tight) fits just fine.
• I am walking entire city blocks without having my back clench up, my knees scream out and for the most part, I am not gasping for breath.
• I have not had ANY sickness or reactions to foods/milk. I seem to be tolerating things, and of course, I am taking the full 30 minutes to eat my 2 ounces of food at each meal!

Challenges I am still facing:

• I need to call the endocrinologist on Monday-- my blood sugars have crept back up into the zone we want to avoid.  This shouldn't surprise me, because diabetes is not JUST about what you eat.  It is just a matter of finding the dose and frequency that is going to work for me.  Still, I would be less than honest if I didn't say that it discourages me to see those numbers when I am eating according to the plan, getting exercise and following "the plan".
• There is some stress in my life that I could do without, but my brother was taken back to ICU and has been sent back to the nursing home that had evaluated him as "ready to go home".  (He was home only 3 days before winding up back in ICU.)  I am his medical poa, and since I cannot travel yet, and am still on occasional painkillers, and get tired pretty easily... I'm feeling a bit helpless here.
• It's overwhelming to try to figure out how to get in all the protein, all the liquids, all the vitamins.  One of my meds has to be taken a hour before meals or two hours after meals, four times a day.  You can't take iron at the same time as calcium.  Pills can be no bigger than an aspirin, and once you have taken one, you have to wait ten minutes before the next.  Some meds cannot be taken within an hour of dairy products.
• While I am seldom "hungry", I do find a little resentment in not being able to eat the meal I am making for others. Today, I am baking a ham for a family dinner tomorrow. We are meeting our daughter's boyfriend, home from the Navy.  I had planned on grinding some of it up for me... But when I took it out of its packaging, I realized that it is pre-glazed, even before the sugary glaze that comes later. I can't risk it. Sugar could make me VERY sick to my stomach.

I am sure the challenges will pass, the schedule will become second-nature and the results of my hard work will be motivation enough to continue doing what I am doing.  I have a pair of jeans in the top drawer-- I can ALMOST button the snaps.  This is a pair of jeans that were given to me by a friend who had the surgery in October.  I've been waiting and waiting to wear them.  SOON!!

"All My Bags are Packed... I'm on My Way"

"All my bags are packed. I'm on my way..."  ALMOST!

Jim and I are sitting at McDonald's (because Internet hasn't worked at home for the past two days).  My blood sugar, which was over 300 at noon has dropped to 70.  I am trying to coax it higher with apple juice (allowed) so that I can get through the night.  Well, at least until 5:30 a.m. when I check in to the hospital.  If you want to know what I think of diabetes, read my last post.  

My bags are packed.  The dog was sent with our son for a vacation at the homestead.  The cat will be fine with extra food and water put out, and in all honesty, deserves a little "on his own" time.

I will go home from here, drink my chicken broth and have some sugar-free jello.  I have an anti-bacterial soap that I have been instructed to use tonight and again in the morning.  Not that I will really get much of a "morning".  I plan to sleep in the recliner so that I don't have to use the c-pap-- it's already packed.

I have the folders ready with all the papers: a copy of my living will and the papers giving Jim my medical power of attorney if I can't speak for myself.  My fitbit will have a rest as they want no jewelry or valuables at the hospital.  Jim will wear my wedding band.

The church elders asked to have a prayer with me at the close of worship; most of the church came forward if they were physically able.  A very powerful and humbling experience!  "I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God..."

The scripture text this morning was PERFECT for this Sunday as it was all about how God is love; Those who love God abide in God, and God abides in them.  I am really and truly only slightly nervous about tomorrow.  After all, I know Who I abide in and Who abides in me.  Whatever comes, I will be fine for I rest in my Creator's love.

Let the adventure begin!  (Prayers are appreciated!)

I Hate Diabetes

I hate diabetes.

Seriously.  If you don't have it, don't get it. If you are "borderline" or it runs in your family, do whatever you can to reverse it.  I could have prevented this by eating right, exercising, etc. years ago, and this is the cross I must bear.

My sugars were normal yesterday.  I even exercised with church folks last night. I woke at 1 am, chilling, so I took it to be sure. It was 139- a little high, but still fairly normal for having had supper late last night.  This morning it was SKY HIGH- and all I did at 1 am was go back to bed!

Stress sets in, which could make it worse.  If it's this high on Monday morning, they won't do the surgery.

I hate diabetes.

This morning, as I nibble some dry wheat toast and eat cottage cheese slowly with my baby spoon (to practice for post-op meals), I have to turn this over to God.  I will walk to work this morning.  I will avoid any hidden sugars between now and Monday. I will take my blood sugars before meals, and call my endocrinologist this morning to ask for advice.  

In other words, I will do MY part.  

The rest I turn over to God.

Day ???: Who's Counting Anyway?

"Do the breathing exercise 10 times, four times a day for two weeks before surgery..."

"Stop taking your baby aspirin for a week before surgery..."

"In fact, nothing with aspirin at all for a week..."

"Wash with this antibacterial soap the night before and the morning of..."  (Wait!  I have to leave the house by 3:45 a.m. AND take a shower??)

"Mom, what time am I being picked up on Thursday?  I have to let them know when they can check my room..."

"The day before surgery, take **units of your insulin with breakfast, **-** at lunch and 0-2 at dinner.  The morning of (Again- WHAT Morning??) check your blood sugar and if it is over ***, take ** units."

Is it any wonder my head is swimming with numbers?

I predict it may be even worse tomorrow after my day-long class to prepare for this!  It's why I write EVERYTHING down.

Here's the numbers I am clinging to:
7 days until surgery.  Almost exactly 7 days from writing this, I will be in the operating room.  Jim will be stuck in a waiting room, hoping that the television is not turned to FOX-TV.

1 husband who is determined to be the best cheerleader I could hope to have, who has rearranged things for his students so that he can attend the training with me tomorrow, who has supported me every step of the way and will continue to do so--at least until our 50 year contract comes up for renewal! 

Also 1 mom who is reading this blog faithfully because she wishes she could be here to take care of me. Momma, you have taken care of me so often over the last 55 years.  God's got my back this time!

2 amazing children who show their love for me through their love for each other and their love for God.  Or maybe I have that backwards.  Either way, I am blessed beyond blessed!

Countless numbers of friends and church members who have offered to help and support.  Countless family members who have me in their prayers already.  Countless blessings that surround me daily.

Lastly, there is One who is my rock and my fortress... the Savior of the world who welcomes ALL who come in faith-- even one such as me.  It's all good.

Day Ten or T Minus Eleven

The call came yesterday just before noon. I have a surgery date on May 4th.  This afternoon I received verification that they were able to get me into next Tuesday's pre-op Nutrition Class.  All of a sudden, things are very real.

I would be less-than-honest if I didn't admit to some moments of feeling a little scared.  The fact that I have to take a copy of my living will with me is a reminder that "no surgery is 'routine' when it's YOU."  And this is no "routine surgery" to begin with.

But I trust that my surgeon knows what he is doing.  He has performed this surgery on several people I know personally.  One of those women was so "high risk" that she doesn't even remember attending support group meetings prior to surgery!  I trust that all those tests they did last week were for a very good reason, and if there had been concerns, I wouldn't be having it done this quickly.  I also trust that, without the surgery, I would have very few quality years left to live.

Most of all, I trust my God.

I am writing a "What If" book-- filled with letters to my children, my mom, my husband, my church family.  There are last little things I would want them to remember.  I've written some thoughts about what kind of "party" I would want to remember me... "if"...  And there are some funny pages in the book, as you might well expect.

The next eleven days are going to fly by.  I have to go pack up our daughter's things from college because my surgery is the same week as her finals.  I am trying to clean out the cupboards and make sure there are foods that Jim can fix for himself and Cheyanne in case cooking makes me nauseous. I am trying to get worship services done in advance, and powerpoints done for Mothers' Day and Graduation Sunday.  I am reading everything I can read to prepare and answer all those last minute questions.  

Note to self:  Make time to pray.

Day 9: Bloom Where You are Planted

Spring is unfolding all around me. There are hundreds of shades of green in the trees and grasses.  The redbud trees pepper the landscape like pink peppercorns in an iron chef's kitchen!  Daffodils crop up in unlikely places, and there are rumors of wild mushrooms being seen in the woods.

I traveled several hours yesterday, to make a prison visit with one of my parishioners.  She is a woman of great faith, and the man we were going to see is "freer" behind bars than many of us are on the "outside".  He had a true conversion experience sixteen years ago, laying on the cold floor of a holding cell.  The church member I was with is the one who wouldn't give up on him, and his life has been transformed.

Not only that--- but he has witnessed to hundreds of inmates over the years and brought them to Christ.  He has bloomed where he was planted... even in the dark and sinister prison world!

Blooming takes time-- God's time.  God's plan.  God's way.  Yes, we do our part by asking: "What do you require of me today, Lord?  How may I serve you to the glory of your name?"  And then sometimes we must wait... and wait... and wait.

I'm in a waiting pattern this week.  I attended my bariatric support group meeting Monday night and met a young woman who has a surgery date for early June.  She has the same doctor that I do.  So, now I must wrap my head around the truth that it may be JUNE before I have the procedure done.  My first, very human reaction was to feel resentment.  My second, take-a-breath response is... Okay, Lord.  There is a reason for my wait. Show me what it is.  Prepare me as you will.

In all fairness, I am still praying that I will find out SOMETHING in the next few days.  I've been putting things on hold for a long time, and I need to know whether I am going to be able to attend the Annual Conference Gathering of the Indiana-Kentucky Conference.  Will I be in church on Graduation Recognition Sunday?  Do I get a vacation this summer, or is surgery going to be "it"?

I have to trust that God is preparing me to bloom where I am planted.

Day 5:More "Bucket List" Goals

This morning, I accompanied the high school choirs at large-group contest.  The school we compete at is a pretty large one, though it is not nearly as big as some of the Indianapolis schools!  The point is, I always arrive a bit out of breath as I follow the choir to the warm up room, through a locker room and down several hallways, up a few steps, down a ramp...  I have learned to leave a little before the choir to reach our destinations so that I can walk at my own pace.  After all these years, I at least know the way so I won't get lost.

Today I realized that, next year, I will hopefully not be out of breath!  I may be able to go up and down the same steps on the stage as the choir without worrying how much longer I am taking!  And I wondered:  Will the other directors wonder where Kelly found that new accompanist?  ;-)

Bucket List Goal#2:
A year from now, I want the audience to think I am a new accompanist.

Bucket List Goal #3: 
Theater!  I want to be able to try out for whatever part I want and not worry that I am too fat for the role.  Too old, maybe-- Wrong voice part? Definitely a worry.  But not my size.  Never again.

Day Four: Taking Time to Learn

Patience is not a virtue that I can lay claim to.  It would be all too easy for me to find excuses to wait by the phone for Dr. E's office to call with a date for my surgery.  Waiting makes me grouchy.  I need to fill my time with something-- so I have been watching video clips from the St. Vincent website- www.mybrandnewlife.org

Yesterday, the most interesting one was a clip teaching about the importance of planning for any situation.  The woman showed an example of an emergency lunch kit that she keeps in her car for emergencies.  For example, she often has to attend business lunches that offer no choices that are appropriate for her.  Not a problem!  She can pull out a few things from her kit.  

Her kit is filled with appropriate non-perishable items:

• Pull-top can of tuna (I know that there are even easier and tastier versions of this available now- Little pouches of lemon-pepper, terriyaki, sweet and sour or ranch flavored tuna!)
• Rice thins- offer a crunchy addition.  These are available from the bariatric store.
• Chicken flavored "unjury"- a protein power to mix with warm water on cold days.
• Protein bar- to eat while your co-workers enjoy a dessert that would not be good for the post-surgery patient.
• Organic, unsalted, raw almonds- limiting nuts is a good idea, but 8 or so is a good amount.

I think this is a really great idea, and I plan to put an emergency stash at the church for those mornings when the Elders' Breakfast has donuts or the funeral meal offers nothing that is appropriate for me to eat.  By preparing ahead, I can avoid temptations.

Day Two: Cleared for Take Off

It's official... I have been cleared for take off, and though I do not yet know my "travel date", I know the destination!  Life!  Life without insulin!  Life without panting and puffing after taking a few steps.  Life with new hopes and dreams.  Fewer food choices, yes (thank God!), but far more choices of activities and opportunities.

After comparing my "abnormal" ekg to one done just a few months ago, it was confirmed that, for me, abnormal is... well, NORMAL!  (Some of my closest friends could have confirmed that for them!)  My file has been sent to the office of whoever schedules my doctor's surgeries and I must wait for my next instructions.

Impatient as I am, it is my hope to fill this time with preparations and expectations and lots of jubilation.  After all, I can't control any of this, so I may as well accept it.  Oh, yes, and I am starting my "bucket list".

Goal #1:  WHEN I reach my goal, I plan to go zip-lining.  That one surprised my husband, but then, he's never known me at a weight that is "zip-lineable".  He says he looks forward to us doing it together.  Can you imagine the look on our children's faces when I tell them this one?!  

Day One of the Rest of My Life

My day began at 4:15 a.m.  This morning, I woke and drove to St. V's hospital for my pre-op testing.  The end goal for me is Roux-en-y Gastric bypass surgery... The end goal is LIFE!  Weighing over 300 pounds has taken a real toll on my body, and it has come to the point where, if I don't DO something, the quality of my life is going to be non-existent.

I was not sure what to expect this morning, so I am writing this first entry to outline the kind of tests I underwent, with the hopes that others might be better prepared than I was.  I should preface this all by saying that it was not nearly as "bad" as I was led to believe!

1.  Cardio-pulmonary tests:  In the cardio-pulmonary office, I had an ekg, and two breathing tests.  In the first one, I had to breath several times, then take as deep a breath as I could. Then, I was instructed to blow it out as forcefully as I could, and when I thought I had pushed all the air out, I had to keep blowing for several seconds.  Okay-- I used to be a voice teacher.  I know this one!  I used that diaphragm and aced it.  The second breathing test was done with a little plastic thing that I brought home with me.  I have to exercise with it 4 times a day until the surgery, and it will help me keep from getting pneumonia after surgery. (Side note- my evil cat is not sure what he thinks of this exercise, and he is giving consideration to either biting IT or me while I use it!)

2.  Lab work- Typical blood and urine tests.  I think she must have taken about 8 vials of my blood!  Thankfully, I have a good vein that never lets me down.  :-)  And thankfully, I had not gone to the bathroom yet--usually my first stop when I get there, but I waited just "in case".

3. Digital Imaging-  I had a chest x-ray (painless), and then an ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gall bladder.  That was probably the worst of the tests, but the man doing them was absolutely delightful and an expert at getting my mind off of how hard he was having to push with the device.  He also teased me for having my gown on backwards.  "We aren't doing a mammogram today!"  (note: It should open in BACK, not the front, though how you are supposed to tie it that way is beyond me.  I suggest that you tie it in front, and then turn the darned thing around.)

4.  Then came the upper GI.  (This was still in the Digital Imaging Suite, but it deserves its own entry because it was the most interesting of the tests.) First, I was given a cup of little crystal things and a cup of water.  I was told to put the crystals in my mouth and swallow with the waters.  They FIZZED like alka-selter, and I wasn't supposed to belch. (I tried not to, but a few little ones bubbled out.)  This was followed by the barium, which was thick and pasty.  There was no real taste to it. If it had been flavored like a milkshake, I might have really liked it! They took several x-rays standing up, and then the table rolled backwards.  I was not quite on my head, but I realize why people explained it that way.  And the rolling was not done by the table, as I expected, but I had to roll around so the barium coated my stomach.  More photos were taken.  I had to drink some other substance so that they could take pictures of me swallowing it down.  All in all- not nearly as bad as I was led to believe!!

5.  At this point, I went to another part of the hospital where I met with a nurse and a nurse practitioner to go over my test results and health history.  I was given instructions for the days leading up to the surgery, as well as the day OF surgery.  I was told to back off of bananas and yogurt because my potassium is high.  They are now waiting for a copy of an old ekg to compare the new one to.  If it's the same, I will be approved.  If not, I may have to see a cardiologist first. At any rate, they estimate we are still 4-6 weeks from a surgery date!

4-6 WEEKS?  <deep sigh of frustration>    

So, I am praying for the patience to accept that it is all in God's timing.  I pray to accept that it's all part of the bigger plan for better health.  It's a journey that has already been filled with many stepping stones... each one has a purpose.

Let the waiting continue...!